Well they did it and in some style. I stick by everything I have said before but it was nice to see the England we know and love - and just occasionally get a rare glimpse of - back yesterday in some style. The team played with commitment and power and deservedly won, although they should have scored many more goals. They even managed to cope with the dead weight of Wayne Rooney at the front ('a player of Brazilian ability', 'when he finds his form he'll show them', etc, etc, ad nauseaum). Seriously, how utterly cr@p does Rooney have to be to come off? I imagine that if he dropped dead, Capello would still play him up front. Jermain Defoe played him off the pitch. As for Peter Crouch, he scores goals. Isn't that what football players are supposed to do?
Anyway, let's hope this performance wasn't a flash in the pan. Let us not forget that this was Slovenia we were playing. Germany will be much, much tougher but would you wish for any other fixture to get your heart racing and your vocal cords straining? And if we win, the prospect of rubbing Maradona's nose in it must be enticing. Argentina are great - possibly the best team in this tournament - but you'd have to bet on England to really want to win that one. It is likely to be a 5 star classic so here's to the most difficult draw available. Football is a spectacle and the most spectacular fixture of all is coming up on Sunday.
Come on England.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
HAPPINESS IS A BANANA HOLDER
What gets me about watching England is not that they are overpaid, although they are. It's not that they are thick, which many of them are. It's not that they are unable to emulate what thousands of people manage every day in parks across the country and actually play together with each other. It's not that these supposed athletes at the peak of their fitness are perennially injured. It's that I really give a damn.
Now, this blog is all about the fact that I know next to nothing about football, a fact I freely admit to. Asked to explain the offside rule I would probably gibber a little, laugh theatrically, point to something behind my interrogator and then leg it for the door. I know what it is - usually far better than the line judge, naturally - but I just can't put it into words. At times like the World Cup I stand shoulder to shoulder with millions of other, similarly ignorant fools who pay to watch these oafs as they miss passes, fall over balls, lose attackers and fail miserably to find the other team's goal despite it being huge and white and in the same place at every game. Knowing nothing is remarkably liberating because it means that you can say what you like secure in the knowledge that it really doesn't matter and that your immediate neighbours know about the same.
For Father's Day I got a banana holder, a huge yellow plastic box that looks like an ambitious sex aid but whose sole function is to keep my morning banana in tip-top condition on the trip to work. It works perfectly. It is a design classic, a marriage of form and function and I love it. It is as if a little piece of the jigsaw of my life slotted into place.
The England players all play in the richest, most famous league in the world. They benefit from among the best facilities in the world. They (mostly) have good managers and hard-working support staff and they are doing something they have been trained to do since childhood. They all play the same game - football, although it is at times difficult to believe this. They are all considered among the best players in the country. My banana holder has been designed for its job and does it with aplomb. Why can't 11 England players who have been 'designed', nurtured and set up for one thing do similar?
Why can't the England team match, say, Slovenia, a team from a small country whose players are clearly talented enough to reach major finals and who, crucially, recognise each other on the pitch and manage to play together? They won't win the World Cup but they will play together as a unit and do their damnedest to deliver for their country and they will be respected and lauded for doing so. If the Slovenian football team was a plastic food container it could lay claim to being a banana holder. The team has earned the right.
Could England? Hmm. On current form, we are talking about one of those plastic dishes you get a takeaway in. It works fine once but try and re-use it and it splits very easily. It also gets stained with the sauce so it is useless for storing other items as a result. (What is in sweet and sour sauce which makes it so toxic?)
England need to rediscover their ability to do what they are paid to do, pure and simple. Nothing more, no psychological b*lls**t, no media interviews, no photos in hideous pants. All we want is a team which plays football, preferably at the level it is fabled to be able to play at. We need a banana holder not a takeaway tub.
Can England deliver? Any rice?
Now, this blog is all about the fact that I know next to nothing about football, a fact I freely admit to. Asked to explain the offside rule I would probably gibber a little, laugh theatrically, point to something behind my interrogator and then leg it for the door. I know what it is - usually far better than the line judge, naturally - but I just can't put it into words. At times like the World Cup I stand shoulder to shoulder with millions of other, similarly ignorant fools who pay to watch these oafs as they miss passes, fall over balls, lose attackers and fail miserably to find the other team's goal despite it being huge and white and in the same place at every game. Knowing nothing is remarkably liberating because it means that you can say what you like secure in the knowledge that it really doesn't matter and that your immediate neighbours know about the same.
For Father's Day I got a banana holder, a huge yellow plastic box that looks like an ambitious sex aid but whose sole function is to keep my morning banana in tip-top condition on the trip to work. It works perfectly. It is a design classic, a marriage of form and function and I love it. It is as if a little piece of the jigsaw of my life slotted into place.
The England players all play in the richest, most famous league in the world. They benefit from among the best facilities in the world. They (mostly) have good managers and hard-working support staff and they are doing something they have been trained to do since childhood. They all play the same game - football, although it is at times difficult to believe this. They are all considered among the best players in the country. My banana holder has been designed for its job and does it with aplomb. Why can't 11 England players who have been 'designed', nurtured and set up for one thing do similar?
Why can't the England team match, say, Slovenia, a team from a small country whose players are clearly talented enough to reach major finals and who, crucially, recognise each other on the pitch and manage to play together? They won't win the World Cup but they will play together as a unit and do their damnedest to deliver for their country and they will be respected and lauded for doing so. If the Slovenian football team was a plastic food container it could lay claim to being a banana holder. The team has earned the right.
Could England? Hmm. On current form, we are talking about one of those plastic dishes you get a takeaway in. It works fine once but try and re-use it and it splits very easily. It also gets stained with the sauce so it is useless for storing other items as a result. (What is in sweet and sour sauce which makes it so toxic?)
England need to rediscover their ability to do what they are paid to do, pure and simple. Nothing more, no psychological b*lls**t, no media interviews, no photos in hideous pants. All we want is a team which plays football, preferably at the level it is fabled to be able to play at. We need a banana holder not a takeaway tub.
Can England deliver? Any rice?
Friday, 18 June 2010
PATHETIC, USELESS ENGLAND
Abysmal, appalling, shameful, disastrous, weak, useless. Add your own adjective. That warm up game was a joke. I hope the real England game is better than that shambolic performance from a bunch of overpaid louts which has preceded it.
England were outplayed by an energetic Algeria - delightfully patronised by all and sundry despite them having qualified for this tournament fair and square and having beaten the imperious three-times African Nations Cup champions, Egypt, on the way.
Let's cut the crap. England are terrible. They lack spirit, they lack ability, they can't play together, they are woeful.
A key question is why the manager didn't play our 'world class' star, Wayne Rooney. And who was the fumbling spud-faced Scouser at the front of the England team who couldn't kick a ball in a straight line. He looked like Wayne Rooney but he couldn't have been, surely.
Now you expect Frank Lampard to be flaky, you expect John Terry to underperform but apparently Rooney is at the level of the Brazilians. To which the answer is a choice between 'er, no' or a simple raspberry. Apparently he left the pitch complaining that England fans were booing him. No sh!t, Sherlock. You're paid £90,000+ a week to kick a ball around the pitch. Why can't you do it, you waste of space?
As for the manager, well my pop philosophy on football is that organisation wins games, not just talent. Put together 11 talented players and you have 11 talented players - but teams win tournaments. That's how Greece managed to win the European Championships with far more limited players than this bunch. Sorry, Fabio, but no excuses: the buck stops with you and you failed to respond to the dismal, dismal display.
Here's how to solve it. Put Rooney on the bench. If he won't play, don't let him play. Make the jumped up little [insert noun of your choice here] work for his place, not just assume he's there. Start with Peter Crouch and Shaun Wright-Phillips, who at least challenged the excellent and spirited Algerians. Use Aaron Lennon, who's like a steam train when he runs at the defence. Keep our defence the same as they did okay and they at least seem to know how to play together. Above all, just do something, anything, to change things.
Disgusted, dismayed, despondent. If this England team win the World Cup I'll move to Baghdad and set up a bagel shop.
England were outplayed by an energetic Algeria - delightfully patronised by all and sundry despite them having qualified for this tournament fair and square and having beaten the imperious three-times African Nations Cup champions, Egypt, on the way.
Let's cut the crap. England are terrible. They lack spirit, they lack ability, they can't play together, they are woeful.
A key question is why the manager didn't play our 'world class' star, Wayne Rooney. And who was the fumbling spud-faced Scouser at the front of the England team who couldn't kick a ball in a straight line. He looked like Wayne Rooney but he couldn't have been, surely.
Now you expect Frank Lampard to be flaky, you expect John Terry to underperform but apparently Rooney is at the level of the Brazilians. To which the answer is a choice between 'er, no' or a simple raspberry. Apparently he left the pitch complaining that England fans were booing him. No sh!t, Sherlock. You're paid £90,000+ a week to kick a ball around the pitch. Why can't you do it, you waste of space?
As for the manager, well my pop philosophy on football is that organisation wins games, not just talent. Put together 11 talented players and you have 11 talented players - but teams win tournaments. That's how Greece managed to win the European Championships with far more limited players than this bunch. Sorry, Fabio, but no excuses: the buck stops with you and you failed to respond to the dismal, dismal display.
Here's how to solve it. Put Rooney on the bench. If he won't play, don't let him play. Make the jumped up little [insert noun of your choice here] work for his place, not just assume he's there. Start with Peter Crouch and Shaun Wright-Phillips, who at least challenged the excellent and spirited Algerians. Use Aaron Lennon, who's like a steam train when he runs at the defence. Keep our defence the same as they did okay and they at least seem to know how to play together. Above all, just do something, anything, to change things.
Disgusted, dismayed, despondent. If this England team win the World Cup I'll move to Baghdad and set up a bagel shop.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
HOORAY FOR FRANZ BECKENBAUER
At last, the World Cup wakes up for England as the old sporting enemy, Germany, starts to needle the England team. I can't imagine a better incentive for our players than to hear the comments of Franz Beckenbauer on the limitations of the England team. The problem is that we need to finish second in Group C to come up against the Germans, who are highly likely to win their Group.
There is no doubt that the Germans have had a better start to the tournament but that is because they played the Socceroos. Australia has no tradition of football at all whereas the USA has for decades been a contender and has provided upsets as far back as the win over England in 1950. They are no lightweights, whereas, uniquely in this sport, our Antipodean brethren are.
As for the accusation of 'kick and rush' football, that's just rubbish. England's display wasn't brilliant on Saturday but it certainly wasn't 'kick and rush' either. There were glimpses of the supposed talent we have available and with any luck that talent will finally start to show against Algeria. I'm no fan of our Premiership primadonnas but they can play football - at least when they aren't injured or doing photo shoots for expensive knickers.
The 'kaiser' was right to point out that the Premiership is too dominated with foreign players but then who watches the Bundesliga outside of Germany? Football is a business and the money is in England. That said, I would still favour a national team picked primarily from the Championship as I think we'd see a better quality team, even if the individuals didn't necessarily have the individual skills of their overrated colleagues.
So here's a quandary. I don't want England to win the Group because there is simply nothing to compare with a match at the World Cup against Germany. Let's have a mediocre qualification followed by a classic 'winner takes all' game. And let's hope Beckenbauer is there to have his nose firmly tweaked (I'm being polite) at the end.
And to those who say we should be aiming for an easier progression, the answer is no. Football is a spectacle so let's aim to impress with a bravura display.
There is no doubt that the Germans have had a better start to the tournament but that is because they played the Socceroos. Australia has no tradition of football at all whereas the USA has for decades been a contender and has provided upsets as far back as the win over England in 1950. They are no lightweights, whereas, uniquely in this sport, our Antipodean brethren are.
As for the accusation of 'kick and rush' football, that's just rubbish. England's display wasn't brilliant on Saturday but it certainly wasn't 'kick and rush' either. There were glimpses of the supposed talent we have available and with any luck that talent will finally start to show against Algeria. I'm no fan of our Premiership primadonnas but they can play football - at least when they aren't injured or doing photo shoots for expensive knickers.
The 'kaiser' was right to point out that the Premiership is too dominated with foreign players but then who watches the Bundesliga outside of Germany? Football is a business and the money is in England. That said, I would still favour a national team picked primarily from the Championship as I think we'd see a better quality team, even if the individuals didn't necessarily have the individual skills of their overrated colleagues.
So here's a quandary. I don't want England to win the Group because there is simply nothing to compare with a match at the World Cup against Germany. Let's have a mediocre qualification followed by a classic 'winner takes all' game. And let's hope Beckenbauer is there to have his nose firmly tweaked (I'm being polite) at the end.
And to those who say we should be aiming for an easier progression, the answer is no. Football is a spectacle so let's aim to impress with a bravura display.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
SO HERE WE GO AGAIN...IS ANYONE SURPRISED?
Perhaps the answer to my last post is 'no'...
Things didn't start well for me as I tried desperately to watch the match in Oxfordshire, where we lost our main TV transmitter in a fire a few months ago. Cue pixellated images with Five Live just about keeping me in touch until I remembered that the internet now gets to all corners of the country. Sadly, ITV's website wasn't the best but we were able to just about keep up, although it was akin to watching the event a mile away through a heavily rain-soaked window.
I enjoyed the chat though as lots of semi-literate Americans posted biting comments such as 'yay!' and 'USA, USA!' Mark Twain and Harper Lee must be proud of these people.
Anyway, to the football, that was the usual underwhelming first display from England, so no one should be surprised there. The USA have always been a tricky team to beat as they match our style. The fact that they were delighted to get a draw is still a measure of the difference between the two teams.
We should all despair, however, because the newspapers are going to go into overdrive about the goalkeeper's mistake which let the USA back into the game. I predict no end of diagrams in tomorrow's tabloids showing precisely how Robert Green messed up. I bet none of the sports reporters will own up to their own howlers which, let's be honest, we've all made at some stage in our lives...Get a life guys, it happens.
The bright spots were Emile Hesley, who really played a full part in the first half, and the general run of play in the second half, much of which England dominated. There were hints of a football team there - not many but one or two. Even Wayne Rooney deigned to kick the ball a few times in the second half, which was kind of him.
So England are the real perennial underachievers of the World Cup, what's new. I predict a dodgy result against Algeria - but a result, nonetheless - followed by a resounding win against Slovenia. It always seems to go like that. But that's where all bets should be off. This is not the England team to take us to glory.
Things didn't start well for me as I tried desperately to watch the match in Oxfordshire, where we lost our main TV transmitter in a fire a few months ago. Cue pixellated images with Five Live just about keeping me in touch until I remembered that the internet now gets to all corners of the country. Sadly, ITV's website wasn't the best but we were able to just about keep up, although it was akin to watching the event a mile away through a heavily rain-soaked window.
I enjoyed the chat though as lots of semi-literate Americans posted biting comments such as 'yay!' and 'USA, USA!' Mark Twain and Harper Lee must be proud of these people.
Anyway, to the football, that was the usual underwhelming first display from England, so no one should be surprised there. The USA have always been a tricky team to beat as they match our style. The fact that they were delighted to get a draw is still a measure of the difference between the two teams.
We should all despair, however, because the newspapers are going to go into overdrive about the goalkeeper's mistake which let the USA back into the game. I predict no end of diagrams in tomorrow's tabloids showing precisely how Robert Green messed up. I bet none of the sports reporters will own up to their own howlers which, let's be honest, we've all made at some stage in our lives...Get a life guys, it happens.
The bright spots were Emile Hesley, who really played a full part in the first half, and the general run of play in the second half, much of which England dominated. There were hints of a football team there - not many but one or two. Even Wayne Rooney deigned to kick the ball a few times in the second half, which was kind of him.
So England are the real perennial underachievers of the World Cup, what's new. I predict a dodgy result against Algeria - but a result, nonetheless - followed by a resounding win against Slovenia. It always seems to go like that. But that's where all bets should be off. This is not the England team to take us to glory.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
CAN WE DARE TO DREAM?
Here comes the feast, the four yearly riot of the finest football in the world. If you're a nay-sayer, go on holiday and leave the World Cup for the rest of us. The best news is that Steven Gerrard has been made captain. I have preferred him over the Chelsea ponce all along as he's one of the few England players who seems to actually give a damn when it counts.
The worst news is that, inexplicably, Emile Heskey is in South Africa. I hope against all previous dashed hopes that Heskey can prove me - and thousands of others - wrong and get it right when it counts but his habit of doing precisely stuff all when in an England shirt and constantly getting tired during matches so that he has to repeatedly lie down in the penalty area does not inspire confidence in me.
Put plainly, Peter Crouch scores goals so he'd be my first choice any day. Isn't that why they're there?
Anyway, with Gerrard holding the armband and as long as Wayne 'the sulk' Rooney can control his juvenile temper, it might be time to start dreaming a little. Dare we?
The worst news is that, inexplicably, Emile Heskey is in South Africa. I hope against all previous dashed hopes that Heskey can prove me - and thousands of others - wrong and get it right when it counts but his habit of doing precisely stuff all when in an England shirt and constantly getting tired during matches so that he has to repeatedly lie down in the penalty area does not inspire confidence in me.
Put plainly, Peter Crouch scores goals so he'd be my first choice any day. Isn't that why they're there?
Anyway, with Gerrard holding the armband and as long as Wayne 'the sulk' Rooney can control his juvenile temper, it might be time to start dreaming a little. Dare we?
Sunday, 16 May 2010
MAY 16th: PLAY OFF FINAL. OXFORD UNITED 3, YORK CITY 1
Well that match lived up to all my expectations, which is not something you can always say about Oxford. From arriving in the stadium to Alfie Potter's swaggering final goal the day was pretty perfect. The only blot was the train there but that was a minor irritation which I'll get out of the way quickly.
Coming back from Wembley we were well shepherded to the station and put onto a fast, if full, special train which got us back to Oxfordshire quickly and efficiently. That contrasts with the cattle truck we went from Bicester to Wembley on, which was standing room only. The atmosphere was great but I felt for my small son, whose journey was one of armpits and bums. Can't we do better in the 21st century?
However, we arrived and things got a lot better. Wembley town itself is pretty naff but we got our chips and a couple of cans. We then found out that we couldn't take the cans in so we wandered around with several beakers full of liquid, which was amusing if nothing else. All the Wembley staff were helpful and the general feeling of being herded into pens which can feature in such large venues was absent.
Walking into the arena itself was an awesome moment. I went to the old Wembley many moons ago but this was my first time at the new Wembley and it lived up to all my expectations. A stunning venue made extra special by the sea of yellow and blue. Magic.
Then the game started and Oxford seemed to be in control from the word go. This was confirmed when Matt Green scored a stunning first goal which was worthy of the finest players in the world. We started to party.
Then came glory when a few minutes later Beano did what Beano has done best throughout the season, whacking the ball into the net, long and low, with verve and power. Fire up the Mini, we're off to League Two.
Given the clearly superior performance of Oxford it was therefore a shame that Ryan Clarke made a mistake - not something you normally see associated with him, one of the lynchpins of the squad over the season. The wet ball slipped through his hands from a York cross and landed in the back of the net. A wobble but an error he could be forgiven for given the circumstances and the weather. You might say that Oxford scored all the goals.
That goal had the advantage of livening up what was already a cracking game and the second half continued to impress with York going for it and Oxford putting together some fine play. I don't wish to dismiss York by claiming credit for Oxford's performance as they impressed and they deserve credit for working hard to get the game back but Oxford were simply one better today.
Then at the end came the moment you dream of your team having in the 90th minute as Alfie Potter had time on a break to stop, think and then slot in a great strike in the bottom corner just away from the hand of the diving York goalkeeper and with James Constable to his right giving him options.
Once again York deserve credit for fighting until the last moment to rescue the game but by then it was Oxford's and the celebrations had begun.
I shall remember this day for many years and its perhaps true to say that the sea of yellow in the stands outshone even the football but the three goals which we scored today were all of the highest order so they might just take precedence...
Best player in the first half was probably Damian Batt, who seemed to be going forward constantly. In the second half Jack Midson took that role on and deserves plaudits but its difficult to pick anyone out. Maybe the manager, who got us there, not quite by the route we planned but the result was worth it. It was just a great day to be a yellow.
Coming back from Wembley we were well shepherded to the station and put onto a fast, if full, special train which got us back to Oxfordshire quickly and efficiently. That contrasts with the cattle truck we went from Bicester to Wembley on, which was standing room only. The atmosphere was great but I felt for my small son, whose journey was one of armpits and bums. Can't we do better in the 21st century?
However, we arrived and things got a lot better. Wembley town itself is pretty naff but we got our chips and a couple of cans. We then found out that we couldn't take the cans in so we wandered around with several beakers full of liquid, which was amusing if nothing else. All the Wembley staff were helpful and the general feeling of being herded into pens which can feature in such large venues was absent.
Walking into the arena itself was an awesome moment. I went to the old Wembley many moons ago but this was my first time at the new Wembley and it lived up to all my expectations. A stunning venue made extra special by the sea of yellow and blue. Magic.
Then the game started and Oxford seemed to be in control from the word go. This was confirmed when Matt Green scored a stunning first goal which was worthy of the finest players in the world. We started to party.
Then came glory when a few minutes later Beano did what Beano has done best throughout the season, whacking the ball into the net, long and low, with verve and power. Fire up the Mini, we're off to League Two.
Given the clearly superior performance of Oxford it was therefore a shame that Ryan Clarke made a mistake - not something you normally see associated with him, one of the lynchpins of the squad over the season. The wet ball slipped through his hands from a York cross and landed in the back of the net. A wobble but an error he could be forgiven for given the circumstances and the weather. You might say that Oxford scored all the goals.
That goal had the advantage of livening up what was already a cracking game and the second half continued to impress with York going for it and Oxford putting together some fine play. I don't wish to dismiss York by claiming credit for Oxford's performance as they impressed and they deserve credit for working hard to get the game back but Oxford were simply one better today.
Then at the end came the moment you dream of your team having in the 90th minute as Alfie Potter had time on a break to stop, think and then slot in a great strike in the bottom corner just away from the hand of the diving York goalkeeper and with James Constable to his right giving him options.
Once again York deserve credit for fighting until the last moment to rescue the game but by then it was Oxford's and the celebrations had begun.
I shall remember this day for many years and its perhaps true to say that the sea of yellow in the stands outshone even the football but the three goals which we scored today were all of the highest order so they might just take precedence...
Best player in the first half was probably Damian Batt, who seemed to be going forward constantly. In the second half Jack Midson took that role on and deserves plaudits but its difficult to pick anyone out. Maybe the manager, who got us there, not quite by the route we planned but the result was worth it. It was just a great day to be a yellow.
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